A Voice in the Wild

By John Bullaro

Part 1 — The Encounter

She looked at her reflection in her full length bedroom mirror. Carmen Older admired her looks. She felt she looked pretty, that her body was well proportioned, and her long hair, parted in the middle, had a beautiful gold color. Too often young boys and mature men pursued her with lusty cat calls. She was now a woman of 29 and she wanted more from a man than just being a sex target.

In college, Carmen majored in biology. Her goal was to work for the United States Forest Service as a field biologist. She hoped that one day she'd meet a partner who saw in her a woman of substance not just a body with a pretty face on top. From the time she was a little girl she wanted a home in the country, a small family, and a partner who loved her. Together she imagined they would find happiness living in a mountain community.

Camping with her mother, Freda, gave Carmen a love of the wilderness. Her father died when she was two years old so she never knew much about him. Freda hardly ever talked about Tom, her husband and Carmen's father. All she knew about her father was he loved the mountains and married Freda because she shared that love.

After college Carmen worked as a biologist for a drug manufacturer. This job told Carmen that an inside career was not something she wanted. When a bulletin came in the mail from her old college career office announcing a biologist's position was available working for the U.S. Forest Service, she immediately applied. When she learned by mail she got the job, the forest service assigned her to work with their land management agency. The job made Carmen very happy and content. In a matter of three years her ambition pushed her beyond the career ladder of the Forest Service. She stayed with the service for two more years. When she learned she had earned a month's paid vacation, Carmen decided to turn that vacation time into a search for true self and inner contentment, which she wanted more than anything.

The long vacation time allowed Carmen to go camping alone in the mountains north of Sacramento, California. When she arrived and Olancha Forest Service Ranger Station it was eight o’clock in the morning. After securing a wilderness permit she proceeded on to hike to the Stanislaus National Forest. After a long arduous fifteen mile hike inland, she arrived at at sunset at the Kern River. The pristine environment reminded her of the times she camped with her mother.

She set up camp in the same general area she and Mother Freda camped twenty years earlier. It looked the same as when she was younger, yet alone it felt very different. A sense of sadness came over her as she recalled Freda's proclaiming that the mountains breathed new life into the weary body. She missed Freda and the long talks they shared about nature around the evening camp fire. In this environment her good looks counted for nothing. She knew, instinctively that she had created a barrier between her and the men she knew. She realized if she was ever find some a measure of happiness in a relationship, she had to knock down that wall.

In the mountains Freda often told young Carmen that her eventual happiness in life was in her hands. That day in the mountains of California Freda's words came back to her loud and clear.

The next day Carmen walked to the Kern River, about two miles from her camp. Seated by the rapid flowing river, old memories carried the day. And then events in her head changed. She recalled hearing Freda's shouting and moaning at night, when a different man's was with her in her bed. To young Carmen's inexperienced and fragile mind, the bedroom chatter didn't sound like love making, it sounded more like two people fighting.

Carmen realized that Freda, living without a significant other, turned into a love starved alcoholic. Eventually, Freda became incapacitated and Carmen found she had to care for Freda. It was at this time in her life that Carmen vowed never to get so desperate for a man she'd follow in Freda's footsteps. This vow was the foundation to Carmen's dislike of men. Still, she knew the barrier she put up against men had to come down or she'd be alone for the rest of her life.

Carmen left the river bank and returned to her camp site. She boiled water and filled a food packet with the scolding water to reconstitute the package of freeze dried steak almandine dinner. After she finished her meal she retreated to her tent and read a book of Nature essays she carried with her. The essays were by Thoreau, Emerson, and Olsen. The thoughts of these writers prompted her to write in her journal her personal feelings of the day. She recorded her thoughts for the day and her resolve to tear down barriers she had set up to keep men at arms distance.

She wrote passages about how the woods were her friend. She considered the trees and birds family. She was struck by the sight of animals feeding in open fields, that gave her a sense she was a voyeur to a royal banquet. When she completed recording her thoughts she took to reviewing old notes she wrote during times past. She read how often she mentioned wanting a home and family.

Filled with new found joy from the writing and reading of old notes, Carmen went back to the Kern River and fished. When she landed two nice plump trout, she retreated back to her camp, cleaned the fish, and set them to baking in a dirt oven she knew to make from Freda's lessons. The meal tasted glorious.

That night Carmen felt fall was in the air. Nights turned colder and the days felt like fall. Her work as a ranger told Carmen that the signs she saw and felt were signs of early fall, soon to be followed by winter snows.

Part 2 — The Wilderness Delivers

The next morning Carmen awoke early, ate breakfast of scrambled eggs, then went exploring. There was a lake five miles from her camp, Lake Edison, and she planned to fish there. She packed a small day pack with food snacks, matches, compass, extra warm cloths, a first aid kit, and a tin cup. She expected to be gone a short time but prepared for contingencies like an unexpected storm, becoming disoriented, being asked to help a lost hiker, or just becoming plain lazy.

Carmen walked along the narrow single track trail towards Edison Lake. The trail was lined with Pine trees, lupine, juniper bushes, and yellow mustard plants in open fields. There were no thoughts of work or her job as field biologist — she saw the natural environment, not as separate species, but as a web of life, which she was a significant part.

She smelled the scent of pine and heard the screech of hawks and wondered if the woods were trying to tell her something important. Freda often said, "The woods will talk to you if you listen carefully." Carmen focused on every sound wondering if there was some message there. She decided the message was love.

The trail ascended to a high point that revealed a vast colorful country. Off in the distance lay Lake Edison that looked like a blue jewel in a dark green setting. The view caused her to pause and marvel at the beauty. Slowly she began to feel the peace that had eluded her for so long. Freda was right; she felt loved, not by a man but by nature.

As she moved towards the lake a strange feeling came over her, one that made her aware she was connected to everything she saw. She felt a kinship to the plants, birds, trees, even the rocks along the trail. "Is this a spiritual experience?" she asked. She knew it was.

As she got closer the Lake Edison, wisps of smoke emerged from trees about fifty yards back from the shore line. She thought it was worth while investigating, since forest fire can devastate an area quickly. Among the trees she found a make-shift shelter: canvass tied between two trees made into a lean-to. A small camp fire with a rabbit on a spit greeted her.

She called out, "Hello." When she got no answer she called out again.

She looked at the rabbit on the spit and was temped to cut off a piece. Instead she rotated the animal to allow the opposite side to catch the fire. Then a voice came out of the woods: "Help your self. Don’t get many visitors this far out."

A tall man with a beard, leather shirt that was smoke stained, moccasins, and wool pants, wearing leather soiled broad brimmed styled hat. Stuck in a leather hat band was a tall black and white feather. Around his neck hung a small leather pouch, she learned later, it was a medicine pouch. At first Carmen was sure she stumbled upon a movie set, everything was so perfect. The man reminded her of a eighteenth Century mountain man. She guessed his age at fifty years, maybe more — no telling with the beard and soiled cloths.

"When I first laid eyes on you miss I thought you were one of those spoil-sport rangers. Rangers and I don’t get along. My name is Skull Beatty."

"Skull, your name is Skull, that’s unusual," she said.

"Real name is Scully Beatty, when I had friends they called me Skull. I sort of like that, Scully was not a name I liked. You can call me Skull."

"I’m Carmen Older. I don’t have a nick name. So call me Carmen."

He laughed, "Carmen, that’s a beautiful name," he said. "Carmen, join me for some roast rabbit. Killed it earlier today. No side dishes, but the meat is tasty."

"Thanks, I believe I’ll accept." she said, "Ate rabbit once with my mother, when I was a young girl."

Skull moved a large log near the fire for Carmen to sit on. He kneeled by the fire and sliced off a front leg for Carmen. He took the larger rear leg. "Taste the rabbit, if you like it there’s more."

After they ate she opened her day pack and shared with Skull one of her chocolate energy bars she packed in.

"Haven’t had one on of these in a long time," he said.

After they ate their food and dessert of energy bars, Carmen questioned him.

"You live here?"

"I try but ranger boys make it difficult."

"How long've you been up here," she asked?

"Going on twenty-five years," he said.

"Twenty-five years," she repeated with an amazed look on her face.

"I got a ritual I follow. I never stay in one place too long. Stay ahead of the rangers. You saw my smoke, so I assume they’d seen it too, so it’s time I skedaddle."

"Skedaddle? she asked.

"Means, leave, get going somewhere, anywhere else."

"Where to?" she asked.

"Anywhere there’s water and air cover. These guys fly choppers and look for folks like me — transients who want to live free. That’s my short story. Why you here?"

"I’ll tell you, but I have one more question," she said. "What brought you to do this remote living?"

"For a pretty thing you sure have a curious mind. Remote living, eh. You sound mighty educated."

Carmen did not take offense to Skull commenting on her choice of words. It was a comment in passing. She went on, "I graduated college. Hope that don't put you off."

"No education is a good thing. Never found time to go to school much passed high school," he said.

"Well Skull, I’m up here to get away from society. Your turn; why are you here?"

"Okay I’ll tell you plain and simple. Nobody ever believes this story so I don’t expect you will. I’m a descended form the Constantan Indian tribe. It’s extinct now but I’m all that's left, as far as I know. Thirty years ago I came home from Vietnam, really all messed up. Started boozing and using drugs, mainly to get the edge off my mind troubles. My spirit was dying in the city. I was trained as an army medic but couldn’t fix myself. I couldn’t hold a job. Had a girlfriend for a few years but she kicked me out of her place. Tried living in the streets for awhile but got harassed by the cops. Felt I was near death. My DNA has the woods in it.

She said, "Skull, you served your country, went to the mountains to find a home, then get harassed by the government you choose to defend. That aint right."

"No but it is what it is." Skull looked away wistfully. "End of my story." .

"That’s some story," she said.

"Your turn lady, what you all running from?"

Carmen told of her mother's life and death and told of her feeling alienated from people and life itself. "I can’t imagine having the future I want: home and family. "I have to find out what’s keeping me from having that life. It has to be me standing in my own way. Just so you know, I am a biologist for the Forest Service. Trust me, I'm not here, mind you, to blow your cover. I'm on vacation."

Skull nodded and offered her more rabbit. "In the morning I have to move. You're welcome to join me." She knew this offer was his way of saying her employment didn't bother him in the least.

Carmen offered to help Skull move. In the morning Skull and Carmen moved his camp from Lake Edison to a heavily treed hill top with a view of Lake Edison. The next day Carmen returned to her old camp, packed up all her gear, and returned to camp near Skull.

Carmen and Skull talked about many things. He said, "I’ve thought about going back to civilization, but haven’t made up my mind yet. Okay, I’ve also been thinking about what you said yesterday, not being able to find your dream. Let’s talk about that."

Skull showed strong interest in Carmen’s concerns about a family and home. He jumped right into their last conversation they had before the move.

"Let me offer some advice. Hating a whole group of people, I take it it's men, because a few are bastards who hurt your mother and insulted you; that's stupid, you know that don’t you?"

"My therapist said the same thing. Like I said yesterday, men killed my mother."

She went on to describe their close relationship before the drinking started.

"So, your mother had nothing to do with her death?"

"What are you saying?" asked Carmen.

"I’m saying she had choices to make and made poor ones. The men saw her as easy pickings and she went along with that."

Carmen thought long and heard about what Skull said. She realized there was some truth to his words. "When she started with these guys she wasn’t drinking," added Carmen. What Skull said shocked her into a new frame of mind. She thought, "I chose to hurt men, so my feeling alone is my doing, no one else's." Carmen felt she just had a revelation of truth about life.

Skull looked at Carmen and said, Sounds to me like you walled yourself off from the world — you’re a loner, an emotional recluse. Having a home and family would require you to remake your life — take it in the opposite direction from where you are now," he said. "I could be wrong, hell, I often am, but it makes sense to me. Look, you’re a beautiful woman, I’m sure you’ve heard that a lot, you come off being smart, and are aware of the root of your problem. You came to the wilderness for solitude hoping to uncover what’s keeping you from your dream; a wise move.

Carmen, this may sound simplistic. You have three steps to reach your dream, so please bear with me; drop your vendetta against men; decide what makes you happy and go for it; or go on and be a loner. As I see it, it’s that simple."

Carmen excused herself, got up and walked away from the fire. It suddenly dawned on her; she came to the mountains to be alone. She found an ally in Skull Beatty.

Skull, a male no less, a man who looked into her soul and saw what needed fixing; that insight came from a man, she realized, a man in the woods, a chance meeting — or was it chance? She returned to Skull’s camp fire. Gave him a warm hug and kiss on the forehead, and thanked him for his honesty and insights.

"Skull, you’re right. My war against men was a war against a ghost. It won’t be easy to change, but I’ll try. I’m going home to work on me. Maybe someday we can connect again."

Skull smiled, looked at Carmen, and said a strange thing, "You’ll find me whenever you need me, as you did now. Now, we’ll have dinner: baked fish."

Carmen stayed with Skull another week. Now it was time to return home and begin the task of changing her behavior about men and life. The next morning Carmen packed up, gave Skull a big hug and with a tears in her eyes, and a few in his, she started back to her car. It was at least a two day hike out.

On the hike out Skull Beatty occupied much of her thoughts. He impressed her with his insights and calming voice. His comment that she’d find him again if she needed him, made no sense but it was a wonderful way to part. She wondered if he’d been a preacher or minister. On her way to her car she stopped at the Ranger Station to turn in her wilderness permit as required.

A handsome ranger in his campaign hat, green uniform, a small shield badge over his left breast pocket approached Carmen, "How was you camping trip?"

She wanted to tell him about her contact with Skull Beatty but knew it could blow his cover. She looked at the ranger and asked, "Have you ever heard of a man named Skull Beatty?"

The ranger had a puzzled look on his face. "I’ve heard of him. He’s a case study we use a lot in training new rangers about enforcing forest service policy." As if searching his mind for the facts, he said, "In 1960 he came up here and asked to be a permanent wilderness camper. He claimed to be a descendent of the last Shaman of the extinct Constantans Indian group. Of course, his request was denied; Forest Service policy bars anyone from staying longer than thirty days. He then petitioned the Chief Ranger in Washington, D.C. and was turned down again. He argued he needed the wilderness to practice his religion. He claimed ranchers graze cattle in the forests and loggers cut trees, arguing he’d be less damaging to the forest then their activity.

Understand, this was before I was hired on. The file shows the service believes Beatty slipped into the wilderness area unnoticed. Ten years ago, must have been 1985, a camper reported a body about twenty- five miles from here. As the newest ranger I was ordered to be a member of the recovery party. We lifted Skull Beatty out of the woods by helicopter. It was winter time so we guessed he slipped off the trail, broke his leg, and died of hypothermia."

Carmen turned in her wilderness permit and walked to her car. She sat for the longest time thinking about what she just learned about Skull Beatty. She knew the man she talked with near Lake Edison was real; he spoke with authority and without an accent. She couldn’t tell his age but was certain he had to be over fifty years of age. She promised herself that she would return to Lake Edison in the near future and find Skull Beatty again.

"He had to be real, he couldn't have died, she said aloud. Then she said something she never thought she'd say, "Hell, I need that man, and he needs me."