Manage a Straight Face

by Malcolm Riordan, DVM

Earlier this year, Virbac Animal Health asked veterinarians to submit ‘The funniest question you've ever been asked by a client.' It is just about daily where we have to hide incredulity behind a serious and respecting manner. Part of the problem is that these moments arrive unannounced, from one second to the next. Below are some of the comments submitted by long suffering veterinarians:

I was doing a new kitten exam with a male client. I had to manage a straight face when he asked, "At what age will my kitten stop sucking my nipples?"

The doctor was showing the dog's owner the abdominal radiographs and mentioned that it looked like there was a foreign body in the digestive tract. To this the owner questioned "How can that be a foreign body? He hasn't been out of the country!!"

Is that the same cat you had as a kid? (I'm 57)

I had a client ask if I would look at her pet in the car so she would not have to pay for the office call.   …I'd be glad to, but the car exam will be more expensive than the office exam. 

In reference to a teacup Yorkie that had a reaction to a medication that is strictly for dogs only. "Do you think she had a reaction because she's not really a dog and that medication is toxic to cats?"

A customer came into our vet clinic to drop off a fecal sample because she was seeing worms. We had not met her before and had not seen any of her pets. Our receptionist was trying to get pertinent information on the pet, when the woman said that the sample came from both her and her son. They were seeing worms in their stool and thought we could diagnose the situation.

My technician had a client ask her in the exam room: "When you squeeze my dog, can you tell if he has worms?"

Speaking over the phone about giving Benadryl to her dog for an allergic reaction, the owner said she had the capsules at home and asked me "Which side do I give first?" Confused, I asked her what she meant. Her response "Do I give the white side or the pink side first?"  I pondered a second, but was able to tell her that it didn't matter which side went first so long as the dog got the entire capsule.

A client was concerned that her very overweight Chihuahua was no longer eating well.  I suspected pancreatitis but she did not agree with me.  Her question was did I think that the ghosts that were in their trailer home had followed them into the new house and were causing her dog not to eat anymore?

I heard that fleas explode over 6000 ft in elevation - is that why I haven't seen them on my dog here in Colorado?

After we'd expressed anal glands on the family dog, the husband went home and reported to his wife that their dog had a problem with anal sex. The wife called our hospital, very concerned and wanted to know how she could stop their dog from continuing this unwanted behavior!    The husband heard anal sex instead of anal sacs!

I'm nursing my own baby. Can I nurse my dog's puppies too?

I ran a Heartworm/Lyme Disease test on a patient and it came up positive for Lyme Disease.  Telling the woman that her dog came up positive for Lyme she stared at me blankly and said “How can he have that?? He can't have Lyme Disease - he has NEVER eaten any citrus fruits!"

Gracielo Cristobal

Butterbean

Leo

Sandy

An owner came back into our treatment area to visit with her hospitalized pet. She saw another pet receiving a blood transfusion and asked if that was Ketchup we were administering IV.

In an appointment to remove a tick that they had been trying to take off at home, I had to point out that it was a nipple, not a tick! The owner, unfazed, said “It can't be a nipple, this is a boy dog!"

After discussing the heartworm life cycle and recommending putting their dog on a preventative, my client looked at me and said, "But Doctor, I don't need to worry about mosquitoes biting my dog, she only goes in the back yard and we have a 6 foot privacy fence."

One of our more eccentric clients called in one day and asked, "Would it be okay if I had a bowl of gold fish for my cat to play with, and then she could have a little snack when she gets one out of the bowl?" 

"We bought a German Shepherd puppy.  He is 10 weeks old now, and we decided that we like him this size, and we don't want him to get any bigger. What can you do to stop him from growing?"

An owner who moved from south Florida called asking "Does my dog have a fever? She just pooped and I can see steam coming up out of the pile." It was 30 degrees outside.

We had a small display on our front desk to promote dental health in pets. A client was examining the display when she picked up a tube of poultry flavor toothpaste and with a straight face asked the receptionist “Do people really brush their chicken's teeth?"

Woods Rafter Cat Image on Banner by Malcolm Riordan.