How Do I Love Thee?

By Nancy Ballinger

I trust you will enjoy this "rerun" of last year's column on real love, and
look forward to reconnecting in the March Journal.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight . . .
I love thee with the breath,
smiles, tears, of all my life! – and if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

                                              Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)            

I begin with this famous love poem from Elizabeth Barrett-Browning since February is all about love and I plan to write this month about two of the great lovers I have known.

I've just returned from time with my dear soul friend, Bob. We met 10 years ago and have been friends ever since. For the past two years, we have settled into meeting at a local bakery every Friday morning. It doesn't matter to either of us what we talk about, as we sit at our same table near the cold drink refrigerator. It's all an excuse to be together, to have a touchstone in our week, and to share our lives. I order my Chai latte and bran muffin. Bob gets café Americana and cheese croissant. He doesn't worry about the calories and cholesterol like he did just a few years ago. One of the benefits of being 91 is that priorities change, and each breakfast with a friend becomes more precious. This is what we celebrate each week - the beauty and blessing of our time together. Although his body is showing signs of age, Bob's mind is still quick and witty - reflected in his kind, sparkling eyes. As we part we say, "I love you." It isn't a casual, worn out, over-used, phrase when Bob says it. What he is telling me is, "I see the sacred in you, and cherish you - exactly the way you are."

Earlier in the week, while sorting through pictures on my computer, I came upon a video that I haven't watched for a while. It was recorded by my husband in our living room, and documents a dear moment with my mom. He captured the two of us in a conversation. We were laughing and holding hands, looking at the beautiful brightly colored comforter on her lap that she had crocheted for me years before. My mom, like Bob was one of those people who really knew how to love. It wasn't complicated or conditional with her. She just always loved me - no matter what - and that was that!

How do I love thee?

How we love begins with the basic question of how we view ourselves in relation to others. When I see thee as an extension of me, I need for you to be - or not be, a certain way for me to feel secure. This phenomenon of conditional relationships happens with spouses, children, parents, and friends. If I need you to be a certain way for my well-being, I'm going to manipulate you and withhold love until you shape-up or mold into my ideal of who, what, and how you are supposed to be.

This, of course, robs both of us of the freedom to be who we are and who we are here to become. The "loved" one in this type of relationship is objectified, and there is an implicit request that you confine your own growth in such a way that accords with my needs. I also lose with this mistaken belief system, because I continue to believe that something or someone outside of myself is my source of joy and miss the realization that real joy and security reside within.

"Namaste" is a Sanskrit word that means, "All that is sacred within me reverently acknowledges all that is sacred within you." True love in a relationship honors the sacred path of each soul's journey in life. Any joy I find in you, is actually a reflection of the inherent joy found within me. This kind of love has the ability to support the growth of another without attachment to them as a source of happiness. It sees and celebrates the infinite, sacred mystery of life as it unfolds, and invites us each to become more and more our authentic self.

As kids we learn about love from our parents, and the songs we listened to on the radio, or the movies and books we chose. Often these model unhealthy ideas about love and go unquestioned as we set about the give-and-take business of love. We have been taught the golden rule: "treat others as you want to be treated" or "love as you want to be loved." I would say that most of us want to be loved with a love that is both freely given and without strings attached. This sounds easy, and, we all know how difficult it can be.

Yet, by taking the time and being willing to explore and honestly consider our attitudes and behaviors in our relationships, it is possible for us to begin to identify the unhealthy ones. With this realization, we can begin to practice more fully supporting others' development by letting go of our attachments and supporting the unfolding of their unique and sacred path through life.

I have been blessed to love and be loved by many people through the years. I know now, more than ever, that love is all that really matters. I learned from Mom and Bob that with all my foibles and imperfections . . . it is still always better to error on the side of love.

Namaste!

Sunday Sacred Celebrations at Awakening

1st Sunday of each month 10:00 a.m. Live music, meditation, inspirational message

Jan. 2 "Step Consciously into the New Year" Feb. 6 "Real Love" Awakening Interfaith

If you are looking for a loving, safe place to find the sacred in everyday life, Reverend Nancy Ballinger offers spiritual guidance counseling. With over 20 years as a licensed marriage and family therapist and studies in Eastern and Western philosophies she brings a unique, open perspective to her counseling. Sliding scale fee.

Rufous Hummingbird image on banner by Mike Baird.