Birding Secrets

by Mike Stiles

For the last several months we have talked about beginning and advanced birding. On this first day of April, I thought I would share with you some of the secrets of the most advanced birders and other news from the birding world. I, like that WikiLeaks guy, am putting my reputation at great risk here, but it's time this information was made public.

Have you ever been out birding with someone who knows every bird almost instantly, and are almost never wrong? I'll tell you how they do that. They cheat. Most people are not aware that there is a clandestine, deep-cover government bureau that has developed binoculars that can "sniff" the DNA of anything you look at. If you point it at a Hermit Thrush, for example, the binoculars will sample the pheromones released by the bird and will tell you the name of the bird by means of vibrations through the binoculars into your nasal passages and cheek bones.

These top-secret binoculars are passed out to the elite birders of each state. I happened to pick one up, unaware of what they really were, and was utterly surprised when I heard the name of the bird I was looking at. It did take some getting used to though, because it sniffs the DNA of every living thing in the field of view, and so it sounds like a room full of people all shouting their names at you at once.  I happened to point it at one of my birding friends and the binoculars told me she was once arrested for occupying the administration building of Brandeis University in 1965.

On another note, there is currently a bill before the House and Senate to limit the migration of birds into our country this spring. The plan is for every bird flying up through Mexico to be forced to the ground with jet escorts, and made to wait in line while Homeland Security scans and probes every warbler, oriole, and flycatcher trying to enter the country. Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner was quoted as saying "We can not sit idly by while these birds eat the seeds and insects, and take nesting material from our native born species." When asked about the cost of using military jets in this economy, Boehner responded "it's either that or a very tall fence."

It has come to light since the last election, that during his tenure, former Governor Schwarzenegger tried to eliminate the California Quail as the state bird.  "It's a handsome bird," the governor was quoted as saying, "with a fortuitous name, but it's time we pick a manly bird for our state symbol, some kind of hawk or something."  A source that asked to remain anonymous said the reason the governor dislikes the quail was that he was hiking along a trail when a flock of the birds took flight, startling him with their loud wings. This caused the governor to "squeal like a little girl," according to the source.

A Mockingbird at a local university has learned to imitate cell phone ring tones. Ornithology professor Dr. Villalobos has been studying the bird for almost a semester and reports that the bird can imitate most types of ring tones from the major providers, and has even learned to imitate the text message tone. "It's quite humorous," Dr V. reports, "to watch as the students all reach into their pockets and handbags thinking they have an incoming call." He vowed to continue studying this interesting phenomenon until "the grant money runs out."

And finally, I have figured out why an ultra-rare bird will show up unexpectedly, and then seemingly disappear just minutes before I arrive on the scene. The bird has been transported here and then back out through a hole in the space-time continuum. At least that's the only logical explanation I can think of.

Burrowing Owl on banner by Cleve Nash.