Finding the Sacred In Everyday Life

By Nancy Ballinger

If you let go a little
You will have a little happiness.
If you let go a lot
You will have a lot of happiness.
If you let go completely
You will be free.
                     
                           Ajahn Chah

As I sat sobbing, I believed my heart had surely been broken into a million shattered, sharp pieces that might never be able to heal. I felt a family member I loved deeply had betrayed me. The enormity of my pain was as much the fear that I couldn't forgive the transgression as it was about the wrong done to me.

I spent the next months obsessed with the injustice I had experienced, and went over it detail-by-detail in my mind through many sleepless nights. I rehashed it in my women's support group, telling the story and trying to understand "Why?." I talked it over with close friends and my spiritual advisor, re-experiencing the pain, anger, and victimization with each telling. I knew talking about the issue with friends and a counselor was a healthy way to deal with the grief, but during this time it seemed all I could do was experience my suffering, and pray for a way to move through it to forgiveness.  My desire for reconciliation turned out to be the key to my freedom.

Everyone has stories like mine in his or her life. This was not the first time I'd been hurt or hurt someone. Crummy things happen all the time to people. Friends let us down, marriages fall apart, kids act out. People are physically and emotionally abusive. Life happens as we intentionally and unintentionally hurt and get hurt. Often, however, we experience unnecessary pain because of continual focusing on the incident and the offender—or on how stupid we were for letting it happen. This gives the other person and the incident power over us and keeps us locked in the story . . .  sometimes for a very long time.

Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Suffering follows an evil
though as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draw it.

Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure
thought like a shadow that never leaves.

"He was angry with me, he attacked me, he defeated me, he robbed me" —those
who dwell on such thoughts will never be free from hatred.

"He was angry with me, he attacked me, de defeated me, he robbed me" —those
who do not dwell on such thoughts will surely become free from hatred.

For hatred can never put an end to hatred; love alone can.
This is an unalterable law. People forget that their lives will end soon.
For those who remember, quarrels come to an end.

                                                      The Dhammapada

Victor E. Frankl, wrote: "Everything can be taken from us but the last of human freedoms . . .  the freedom to choose our spirit in any circumstance."  As a holocaust survivor Dr. Frankl witnessed and experienced unspeakable injustices, yet had the clarity of heart and mind to realize this truth and share it with us.

My situation is small compared to years of abuse, neglect, and cruelty at the hands of people, institutions, and nations. It would be naive to imply forgiveness is anything other than an act of conviction, resolve, and surrender. It has nothing to do with making overtures to anyone else. In my case, I had to be willing to let go of my anger, resentment, self-righteousness, and self-pity to be willing to forgive and move on to finding peace within myself.

To begin, I had to let go of my insistence on being right and wanting the other person to realize and admit they were wrong. Phew! That really was the most difficult part of the whole process and didn't happen all at once,  but little by little over several years.  A profound shift occurred when I honestly opened my mind and heart to letting go of my story and understanding the other person.  When I did, I could see that they were acting from pain, fear, confusion, and personal conviction that they were doing the right thing in our painful encounter.

Jack Kornfield  advises, "In the end, forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of our heart." Forgiveness is not weak or naïve. It requires courage, clarity, and compassion and may happen quickly or take a long time. Yet it is the only way to be truly free.

Lewis B. Smedes gets to the heart of finding freedom through forgiveness. "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

Sometimes it is ourselves that we must forgive and that is where we can be most unforgiving. We ruminate over mistakes made, going over the story again and again. We believe that somehow punishing ourselves will make us a better person or remove our guilt. As long as we hold onto the story, we are held captive. When we let go of it, we are free and therefore able to take responsibility for our emotions and actions in the present and future.

Whether forgiving ourselves or others, forgiveness is a spiritual practice that must be consciously chosen. We begin by letting go a little through interrupting the story we tell - and from that place open to the possibility of finding a new story—one of compassion.  I personally find meditation and prayer to be extremely valuable as a daily practice. Meditation is a way to quiet my mind and find space for new inspiration and insight from a higher level of consciousness than my everyday thinking and feelings. Prayer is opening myself to new insights and healing, through surrender to the highest good or truth in a situation. These were both preliminary and basic practices throughout the process of forgiveness. I now share this process with you.

Forgiveness Practice

If you want to see the heroic,
look at those who can love in return for hatred.
If you want to see the brave,
look for those who can forgive.

                                                      Bhagavad Gita

Forgiving Life

We begin by forgiving life for not meeting our expectations or being as we wanted or planned. Much suffering is due to this attachment to how things "should have been."

Forgiving Ourselves

We open to finding loving kindness and mercy within our hearts for our humanness and mistakes.  From this place we can take appropriate responsibility for past and future behavior before looking to others for forgiveness.

Forgiving Others

We forgive others without expectation they will apologize, change, or even understand. In some cases forgiveness does not forget, or condone the past, or mean we have to continue to relate to those who have done us harm.

Finally, freedom is an inside job as we find the key to forgiveness and set ourselves -the prisoner free.  In the end forgiveness simply means being willing to let go of the pain and not put anyone, including ourselves out of our heart.  

If you are looking for a loving, safe place to find the sacred in everyday life, Reverend Nancy Ballinger offers spiritual guidance counseling. With over 20 years as a licensed marriage and family therapist and studies in Eastern and Western philosophies she brings a unique, open perspective to her counseling. Sliding scale fee.

Rufous Hummingbird image on banner by Mike Baird.