Retired now, Malcolm was a veterinarian at Woods Humane Society from 2005 to 2012. He still resides in Morro Bay where he has found geographic fulfillment. Pictured here with his new side-kick, Annie— born last November. They are both from Woods Humane Society.
Contact Malcolm
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"Tell Me Honey — Do Cats Have Sex??"
by Malcolm Riordan
In an ongoing forum, Virbac Animal Health has veterinarians submit 'The funniest question you've ever been asked by a client.' Just about daily we have to hide incredulity behind the mask of a serious and respecting manner. Part of the problem is that these moments arrive unannounced, from one second to the next. Below are some of the comments submitted by long suffering veterinarians:
Why don't we circumcise dogs?
Can I nurse my dog's puppies if she won't?
We had a woman ask us why her duck wouldn't swim. It was quickly apparent that her "duck" was actually a chicken!
Can my dog get my cat pregnant?
I was asked by a client in all seriousness if Frontline would protect her cat against the lice that the aliens carried.
Angie
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When calling a client following her pet's neuter surgery, she asked what we did with the testicles that had been removed - had to reassure her that we don't sell them for dog food.
My dog's eyes are red. I'm nursing, should I put breast milk in them?
Does tapeworms turn into parvo?
"Mrs. Smith why is it you think Fluffy still has roundworms?" She honestly replied to me "Because her poop is round."
While drawing blood on a dog in an exam room, the client exclaimed, "Wow they have veins just like us!"
Why didn't you remove the 3rd testicle doc?
When a couple came in to discuss neutering their dog, the boyfriend turned to me and said in all seriousness: "Can you buy blow up dolls for dogs? I want to give him a good send off before he is neutered."
"Is the 30 day flea pill a pill and how long does it last for?”
Dharma
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A client called to inquire about having her pet "fixed." When asked if we would be spaying or neutering her animal, the client responded with "which is cheaper?"
"Correct me if I am wrong, but if I trim down Max by feeding less daily, and he ends up living two years longer because of it, won't I actually end up spending more money on dog food in the long run?" He got me there.
Can you un-spay my dog?
While discussing with a client that we should test her pet for diabetes her response was, "Well diabetes does not run in my family, I don't think we need to test her."
So when the technician asked the owner why she believed there should be more pups coming, the woman replied, "Well, she has eight nipples so shouldn't she have eight pups?"
My dog had puppies and ate one. Will it be born again?
Amos
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Had a client (somewhat inebriated) call after hours because they had lost their dog and wanted to know if I knew where he had gone.
A young Doberman puppy had to have a blood transfusion and the donor dog was a Golden Retriever. When the owner came to visit the puppy the next day he asked, "Since he had a transfusion from a Golden Retriever will he still be a purebred? Because we want to breed him."
After explaining to an elderly client that his dog will continue to get sick from the table scraps he feeds and he needs to buy him "dog food" to prevent it, he asks "Do they make such a thing, where would you find something like that?"
Zozo
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A woman with a woolly monkey wanted to know how long before it began to talk. I told her, about five million years.
"Can you please neuter my cat again, maybe take his wiener this time?" (His cat wasn't using litter box.)
Cocco
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Don't calico cats come around once every seven years?
How do you make ice cubes?
A client didn't want his dog to be so passive. He asked, in enthusiastic seriousness, "If I feed him raw meat, will that make him mean?!"
A client brought her dog in for head shaking. I told her I was concerned that the dog might have a fox tail in its ear. She said, "How could my dog have a fox tail in its ear? There's no way a fox could get into my back yard!"
My dog has two rows of bumps on his stomach. What are they?
I once had a client ask me if fleas could get under her dentures, and she wasn't convinced by my answer!
A middle-aged woman presented a calico cat with a very distended abdomen. Examination revealed a very pregnant cat. When I gave her the news, she leaned across the exam table and whispered, "Tell me honey — do cats have sex??"
Dakota
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Late night phone call: Doctor, my dog is having puppies! What do I do with the biblical cords?
"Oh no, he's a boy. The penis just hasn't grown in yet.”
After telling a client that I suspected fungal disease because of the "moth-eaten" appearance of the hair coat, she asked how to get rid of the moths.
Is Tylenol the same thing as Pedialyte?
A child asked me "Does dog barf taste bad?"
On picking up his cat after castration, the owner asked "So I understand that this has to be done every year?"
Believing her cat to be a Ragdoll, she said she had done some research and had been told that the Ragdoll breed had been originally crossbred with rabbits, which is why their fur is so soft.
"How do you know if a cat is declawed or not?"
A woman called one day to ask "how many paws does a cat have?” Her four year old daughter had told her four, but that just didn't seem right to her. After informing her that her four year old was correct, I asked if anyone they knew had a cat, she said they had two of their own.
Molly
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Neo
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Jake
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All comments were selected from the Virbac Animal Health / Stupidest Question From an Owner website page. Some have been edited for length or clarity. I have zero skepticism that any of these comments were submitted in jest – veterinarians do not need to make these things up! I still am not sure which is the more awkward moment: Breaking out in laughter because we totally thought the client was joking, but they weren't. Or continuing to maintain the dead pan face when the client is actually running a line or a joke on us? That happens too.
Respectfully - all of us have stumbled badly, not realizing we didn't know that we didn't know. |
All photos are owner submitted to the Humane Society of the United States 2013 Pet Photo Contest
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