Where Did I Go Wrong?

by Malcolm Riordan

Earlier this year, Virbac Animal Health asked veterinarians to submit "The funniest question you've ever been asked by a client." Below are some of the replies from long suffering veterinarians:

Years ago I took a phone call from a man with questions about his St. Bernard. "If we cut all his hair . . . will it grow back?"

"Do I put this diarrhea medicine in the mouth or up the rear?"

A male client asked me "How can it be a male, Doc, he has nipples?"

Given options for after euthanasia the client asked, "Will he still look the same after being cremated?"

A 35 year old mother with 3 children asked me to show her where the puppies would come out of her pregnant dog.

"Why does my dog taste salty?"

I was asked by an older male client presenting a new neutered male kitten from the local shelter how often he had to have the kitten neutered.

More than one pet owner has asked me "Do you have to go to school to be a vet?"

A lady called in an absolute panic and said "My bird just laid an egg, is that normal?"

"Hey, Doc, why is my dog licking her Volvo?"

When a client called to ask about the cost of getting her dog spayed, "So should I let her have a litter of puppies before or after I get her spayed?"

"Do cats sleep?"

A young new client / first time pet owner came in with her newly adopted cat and a couple of her friends – one of whom asked as the exam visit was ending, "What's the co-pay here?"

"Do you think my dog's seizures are due to his trauma of going through the birth canal?"

In referring to the huge mats that had formed behind the dogs ears, the client asked "Do all English Springer Spaniels have 4 ears?"!

"Suzie just had 9 puppies, but she ate one. Will she have it again?"

As I try to muzzle his mean dog: "Does it hurt when they bite?"

After witnessing his female dog eating the placenta from her newborn puppy, a client called our emergency clinic and asked "Do dogs have puppies through their mouths?"

Having made an appointment to euthanize her cat, the owner later called back and said her cat had died on his own. "Could he have committed suicide?"

After a dental with many extractions we sent a dog home with instructions to feed can food only until the dog's gums had healed. The client called us back later and asked if we meant "canned food like pork-n-beans?"

A family had a young adult Rottweiler but were "tired" of the coloration (black and rust) and wanted to know if and how they could "change her color to look more like a yellow lab."

After a long discussion with a client regarding his Pug's many breed associated defects, he asked "Well . . . how do Pugs survive in the wild?"

"Does your scale weigh in people pounds or dog pounds?"

"I'm having a terrible time housebreaking my dog. Doctor, could you remove his kidneys?"

"Why is the runt of a litter always the smallest?"

"If I give my pregnant dog a bath will the puppies ‘dround'?"

Showing the owner how to place ointment in her dog's ears, the owner responds: "Oh, both ears? Doesn't it go through from the other side?"

"Will my dog turn into a cat after he is neutered?" 

"Can I get my dog spayed or neutered, whichever one is cheaper?"

"I heard that cats have LSD in their systems. Is that true?"

There is probably no other profession where 'human tuna' is a concept. Countless times we are asked "Is human tuna okay for my cat?"

Just as I had rolled a lady's male dog over onto his back to show her his stitches at his neuter surgery site, the woman exclaimed, "What! . . . You didn't remove that ugly pink thing?!?

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Comments were selected from the Virbac contest entry page.  I have edited some for length or clarity. The last three questions were asked of me.  Respectfully - all of us have stumbled, not realizing we didn't even know that we didn't know.

All photos are owner submitted from the Humane Society of the United States Spay Day 2011 owner submitted Photo Contest

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Woods Rafter Cat Image on Banner by Malcolm Riordan.