Years ago Jimmy Durante sang, "Make someone happy . . . "
Well, no one make you happy for the long term. Happiness must emanate from the inside out. Happiness is an individual quest that takes time, thought, and effort to achieve. It comes from a belief in self.
Is happiness difficult to achieve? Yes and no. Try this out — the dynamics of happiness change over time. When young, a new job brings happiness. A new love interest suspends all negative thoughts and brings delight to the lovers. Even a new car, with its famous new car smell, can bring a sense of euphoria. Why are these things transitory? As soon as reality jumps in, the mind returns to its normal state. The new job has a grumpy boss, the new love fades with familiarity, and that new car gets old.
This begs the question: What personal actions brings lasting happiness?
To answer this question I'll take just one dimension of happiness — the mastery of some skill. Be it art, literature, athletics, nature study, or volunteering to help people, it can bring about a sense of happiness along with enhanced self esteem. Mastery is an optimal experience that comes from self mastery.
The literature on happiness suggests that to be truly happy you must first master yourself. mastering a skill like music, writing, or crafts, shows you that you are in control of your life. Happiness means liking yourself and being able to do one thing well and this helps support happiness. Thus mastery of a skill can promote feelings of self worth which is a pre-requisite for happiness.
To run with the pack or to pattern yourself after another's behavior because you believe it will make you a more popular person or viewed more favorably, that is a self delusional track to run on— this quest ultimately leads to self condemnation, the opposite of happiness.
Twenty-three hundred years ago Aristotle concluded that men and women seek happiness. They cherish healthy bodies, beauty, money, and power because they expect these things will make them happy. Often we read that people today, the super rich, often feel their lives have been wasted. Yet even the poorest among us can find happiness in a simple life if they have a skill they are proud of and like themself.
In his book, "Flow: the Psychology of Optimal Experience," Dr. Csikszentmihalyi (Dr. C.) argues that "Happiness is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and defended privately by each person." He goes on to say, that "People who learn to control their inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their own lives, which is as close as any of us can come to being happy." Flow is when what you are doing ceases to be separate from you, becomes you, and is done for its own sake. Work can produce flow: surgeons, athletes, musicians, teachers, students, and gardeners, all can and have experienced flow.
What Dr. C is describing above is "optimal experience." This can be achieved when we master some skill — artistic, vocational, or physical. This mastery brings a sense of control into our life and produces a sense of well-being or happiness. Playing a musical instrument, mountain climbing, playing chess, taking a beautiful photograph, studying a difficult subject — all for their own sake, will bring to each of us a sense of inner control which produces pleasure or happiness. Too many students today attend class, study, and write papers only for a grade. They miss the idea that love of learning brings riches money can't buy. From birth, some of these students were rewarded by their parents for soiling their diapers. They graduate college and in the work world labor at jobs they may dislike and do only for money — a strategy they cultivated in school. Show me someone who plays sports for adulation or to win a trophy and I'll show you a mediocre athlete who's not very happy. Chasing extrinsic rewards kills joy. Getting into the flow of life comes about when an activity is engaged in for its own sake, or intrinsic reward, which brings a sense of internal mastery: happiness.
Many people believe that the road to happiness is paved with money, power, and "things." They work hard and dream of riches yet they dismiss the idea that mastery of something can lead to inner control which opens the door to happiness. To struggle to achieve mastery of a skill may at first seem unpleasant, but in time will make you stronger by showing you that you too can have the optimal experience of happiness.
